My Immortal Brought Down To Size
by FlyingBoppers
Summary: Yep, it's commentary of the worst fanfic ever. Have fun! Rating is T, borderline M. Because Enoby can't seem to refrain from swearing.


**I can't believe I'm doing this…..there are tons of these. I couldn't resist. I am going to give you my commentary for the god awful fanfic known as My Immortal. Since the chapters are really short, I'll put more than one up at a time. Lets get crackalackin! **

**Chapter 1**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)** Yeah, you're hilarious** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **I didn't say nothing! **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! **So far she's doing an amazing job….we haven't even gotten to the story yet. **Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **Dear Lord….**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **interesting name you got there** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **no way…**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears ** I for one have no idea what that means **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. ** So…incest? ** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).** All seventh years are, I've noticed. ** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) ** No. No I could not. **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic ** They don't have Hot Topic in England….**and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. ** Too many words! **I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, **The weather is so talented! **which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **You are just a bundle of joy.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **No Way!**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **Has Draco always been shy? **

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Cliffhanger is awesome! Wait, what friends? **

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **Yes, this is the most brilliant piece of literature I have ever seen. **

**Chapter 2**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **Yay for her! **BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **It's more than just the preps, honey.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **I wake up in my kitchen. **It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **Blood in a bottle? ** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **Why must you describe these things to us? **

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) ** She probably already knows. **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **More? Really? **

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **OMFG, no way. **

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **That was extremely unnecessary. **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. ** Yeah, you **_**totally**_** don't like Draco. 'No, I don't like Draco!' '**_**Hey**_**, Draco.'**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **OoOoOoOoOoOo what? **

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **A muggle band in Hogesmead. That's special. **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Another muggle band. **

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

**Cliffhanger is super awesome!**

**Chapter 3**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **These annoy me….So much. **

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **I'll admit, I skipped this part. It's just her outfit. I think. I assumed. **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Yeah. Kewl boiz. Totally. Since when did Draco have a flying car? **

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **You are yelling while depressed? I don't find that healthy, or polite to the person you are speaking too, Enoby. **

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Role Models! **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **Yay. **

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **You're a smart one, aren't you? **

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Her face is blonde? **

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **More cliffhangers! I can't take it!**

**Chapter 4**

AN: I sed stup **Yeah, I'll stup **flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Name change! **nut mary su **Mary su would certainly be shorter. **OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Yeah Draco, geez!**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **And plummeted to his death because the car was flying. ** I walked out of it too, curiously. **And I died. **

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **Someone's angry. **

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **Was it because of the reflected evilness?**

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **Here comes a naughty part…kiddies look away! **Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...

**Kiddies may come back now!**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore! **Because that's normal. **

**Chapter 5**

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **normal headaches don't cause cursing, just so you know** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Is this where the story ends?**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Brilliant insult Dumblydore. **

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **Uhh….** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **Le Gasp**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **Brilliant insult McDonalds. Sorry, I'm just surprised that at some point in this story, McGonagall wasn't called McDonalds. **

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Wait. Pause. So Draco said he loved her, and suddenly everything's cool? Go back to your life? What the heck? Okay, play.**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **To go the sleep? Really? **When I came out...

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **Yay for Draco.**

**So….yeah. I enjoyed myself. Tell me what you think of both my commentary and the original story. Can' t wait! BTW, rating T or M? **

**Fly on.**

**Monkey Cerebrum. **


End file.
